You've almost made it through! We are all imperfect. So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with.
You are not their mother. It's okay to take a step back. Remember what I said earlier? Girl, you don't need a parade. My stepdaughters and I got along right away from the moment we met, and the first two years of blended family-dom were pretty awesome. You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't.
And in the end, that's what matters. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. It will teach them to do the same some day. We all have the potential to be amazing. A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this.
We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way. To be fair, things started out great. You can tell from a quick glance at my blog bio that I'm a stepmother -- but I almost never write about it. I am gentler with myself. And the experience actually ended up being a huge bonding point for my husband and me. You're keeping it together. Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. This is simply what I have learned from my experience.
I'm not their mom, and acting like I was probably caused some resentment and confusion on both ends. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. Now that I have raised my stepdaughters and had time to look back on the experience, I feel like I ran a gauntlet of tremendous emotional challenges and came across the finish line truly changed. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family.
For me, that changed everything. But then puberty happened. We are all messed up, but you know what? This was initially a tough one for me, because I thought my girls needed me to act just like I was their mom. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. My own stepfather said this to me a few years ago. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. Don't let it get you down. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one.
And the girls came to live with us seven days a week. If you've got to let it out, limit your thoughts to a very close, trusted friend, or even better, tell it to your counselor or therapist. Silence is the best policy. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. Also on The Huffington Post: Three, writing about step parenting while you're in the trenches of it is a lot like writing about divorce as you're going through it -- emotions are running rampant and very few writers can steer through the subject with grace and objectivity.
Embrace it, and make the most of it. We live in a world where everyone loves to vent, whether it's on Facebook, over the phone, or during a girls night out, but take it from me -- no one likes to hear a stepmother vent about her husband's ex or her stepkids. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. Which brings us to number three.
Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. I am more reluctant to judge others. Protect your marriage at all costs. I thought it was all my fault, and I was so ashamed at my failure that for years, I didn't tell anyone what was going on. And I had two small children of my own. "They tell me ALL their secrets! " You can have a meaningful, loving, influential relationship with your stepchildren, but it will be different from that between a mother and child. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. Over and over and over again. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters.
"You guys are doing great! Don't play the blame game. You might need to visit a few counselors/therapists before you find the one that's right for you. We've had many, many wonderful times together. I really, really, really needed to hear that.
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Sometimes Even Reality Is a Lie!