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Even if their biological mother rarely sees them. "They convinced the city to hold a parade in my honor! " Do you know that I hear your exact same problems from nearly every blended family that comes in this room? Or maybe you think your marital problems are all your stepkids' fault.
You can't fix what you didn't break. It wasn't until a few years ago that I confided my feelings of failure to a counselor, who promptly informed me that what my family and I were experiencing was actually very, very common. Even if they CALL you mom. I wish I had heard it a lot sooner, because I spent years trying to do a whole lot of fixing. I really, really, really needed to hear that. YOU'RE DOING GREAT! " We are all working toward that potential, in our own time and in our own way. "You guys are doing great! Work on that, and hope that your efforts inspire others in your family to try harder, too. One, I'm not my stepdaughters' mom, and if I were, I don't think I'd be too happy if they had a stepmother writing about their lives on her blog.
You will come across other stepmoms who can't stop raving about how wonderful their relationships are with their stepchildren. And the experience actually ended up being a huge bonding point for my husband and me. "They told me they think of me as their REAL MOM! " Girl, you don't need a parade. Don't compare yourself to other stepparents. It's okay to take a step back. You can't change everyone else, but you can change yourself. Stepmom, let's just get something straight right now. You may agree -- you may disagree. Also on The Huffington Post: Suddenly, I felt like my relationship with my stepdaughters was disintegrating -- and nothing I did or didn't do seemed to help matters. Don't let it get you down. So many issues a blended family faces come from the divorce, which the stepmother (hopefully) had nothing to do with.
And then all hell breaks loose. And in the end, that's what matters. You and your husband need to be each other's refuge, particularly when you're having issues with your children or stepchildren. I went into the first session thinking I was a horrible stepmom and that our problems raising the girls were unique to us and insurmountable, and do you know what the counselor told us? Ultimately, zealously protecting your marriage benefits everyone -- your stepchildren need to see you and your husband stay together and fight for your relationship, even when times are tough. Realistically, you're probably ALL partially to blame for the problems in your relationships. We've had many, many wonderful times together. Protect your marriage at all costs. Embrace it, and make the most of it. And the girls came to live with us seven days a week.
I really thought I could solve everything and everyone if I just tried hard enough. How did I not know this? There's almost always a honeymoon period, he said. My husband and I didn't visit a counselor until we'd been married eight years, which was a huge mistake. Find a counselor or therapist, even if you don't think you need one. Be prepared to shop around until you find someone you and your husband are both comfortable with. I am a far better wife and mother than I would have been without my stepdaughters. You've almost made it through! Remember number one? A counselor can be wonderful at helping you do this. I would change a lot of things I did as a stepmother if I could go back in time, but I wouldn't give up my blended family. It will teach them to do the same some day. Maybe you, like me, have spent too much time beating yourself up about your shortcomings as a stepmother. So let's start with ten brutal truths I've learned in my eleven years (and counting) as a stepmom, truths that every new stepmom, or woman even thinking of becoming a stepmom should consider.
Remember what I said earlier? Two, throughout most of the time I've been blogging, my stepdaughters were teenagers and they certainly didn't need or want me to be writing about them at that sensitive time in their lives. Stick with it and know that you will emerge from this a better person. Today, time and counseling have given me some much-needed perspective, and now that my older girls very nearly on their own, I feel ready to write more about the subject on my blog -- which is good, I guess, because I get a lot of e-mails from stepmoms asking for advice. I am more reluctant to judge others. Our family is still a work in progress, but the worst is behind us. In retrospect, that was a HUGE mistake. Somehow, we all muddled through adolescence and made it through to the other side. If childrearing issues are pulling you apart, pinpoint exactly what's hurting your marriage and protect your relationship in this area immediately and relentlessly. One of the hardest parts about being a stepmom is the need to keep quiet about the tough stuff and how it's affecting you. "They tell me ALL their secrets! "
Going to see a counselor helped me stop beating myself up and allowed me to realize that what we were experiencing was actually NORMAL. I still believe I'm here for a reason. This is simply what I have learned from my experience. I now believe that a good stepmom is physically/emotionally available when her stepkids need and want her to be, and she backs off and becomes a behind-the-scenes supporter to her husband's parenting when they don't. I am gentler with myself. Please don't do what I did and spend years convincing yourself that something is very wrong with you because you seem to screw everything up. And who wants to write about that? To be fair, things started out great. That's theirs to tell, if they choose. Four, and this was a biggie, I often felt like the world's worst stepmother. We are all messed up, but you know what? Maybe you even think your husband is to blame, because he always seems to take their side. You are not their mother. And I had two small children of my own.
What a waste of energy. Follow Lindsay on her Facebook page. You're keeping it together. For me, that changed everything. Do not make the mistake of believing in your heart that you have all the same rights and privileges as the woman who gave birth to them, because you don't. You are going to make a lot of mistakes. Even if your husband has primary custody of the kids.
I certainly don't want to make being a stepmother seem all gloom and doom, because it isn't. Don't play the blame game.